***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
