Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
even my farts smell like vagina
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
