I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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