I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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