bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
