singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
