Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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