Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
