Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
