I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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