im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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