WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
