life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
