Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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