My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
