But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
