i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
