Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
