I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Randomize
