I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
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This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
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I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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