woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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