Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
