I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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