My sheets look like a crime scene.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
