mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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