Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
