i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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