Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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