the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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