I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
My feet surprised me
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