Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
