I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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