Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."