Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Wow word travels fast.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.