dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
