Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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