well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
