I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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