My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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