Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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