There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
