I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i love accidental penises.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
