You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
