I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
