can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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