woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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