bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
