I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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