I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
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did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
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Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
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