Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Randomize
