You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
A bitchslap is in order.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
