She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
