I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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