Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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