My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
