im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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