I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
