I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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