Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
