Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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